Lament
by poe1911
Summary: What happens after "Happily Ever After?"
1. Reunion

A/N I have no rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and am getting nothing from this story other than the satisfaction of writing it. Feel free to coment if you choose, however pointless rants will be studiously ignored. Rational reviews are always welcome, even if they are negative. I was in rather a melencholy mood when I wrote this, so be warned.

POE1911

REUNION

Xander sat up quickly, movement having caught his eye. He stared down the rather long front walk and caught it again amongst the trees and shrubs a flash of blond hair. Instantly he knew who it was and sat back, an unpleasant look on his face and idly he wondered what "she" was doing here. He continued to watch as the figure came closer and closer; as he did so his mind ran through and discarded reasons for her to turn up now, then he saw her stumble and it was clear. She was in trouble, and it was serious. You see he'd watched her for years and he knew her walks and runs, the gliding movements of her feet when she was slaying, and she didn't stumble; ever. So that meant something was wrong. He saw her pause again as she finally saw him as he sat on the verandah that overlooked the front of his house and he stood. From this distance she looked like she always had, like she always did in his memory. He knew that there were probably some wrinkles and lines on her face courtesy of the life that she had led but from where he was standing she looked just the same as she always had to him; perfect. Watching her move he remembered the last time that he'd seen her.

_Flashback_

It had been ten years ago. There had been some grand Council to-do and Willow, Dawn and Faith had all called and begged him to show up. Still unable to deny his girls he had agreed to come, even though he felt it would be a mistake. At first it hadn't been, he'd caught up with so many people that he'd missed. Finding out what was new in their lives and sharing a bit of his own; he had kept in touch via E-Mail but it wasn't the same. He was listening to Dawn ramble on enthusiastically about her Doctoral Dissertation when he saw her eyes go wide and her whole body stiffen. He turned to see what she was looking at and then saw her; just as perfect as she always was to him. He turned back to Dawn, betrayal clearly etched on his face; but before he could say anything she cut him off.

"She wasn't supposed to be here." The look of misery on the young woman's face instantly dispelled Xander's anger and he turned back.

A tall, well dressed man came up behind her and draped his left arm over her shoulder, then leaned in and kissed her neck. Xander had seen enough.

"Don't," Dawn has muttered as she reached for his arm to restrain him but Xander was already past her reach. Out of the corner of his eye Xander saw both Faith and Willow moving towards him but he realized that they wouldn't reach him in time to stop him.

His movement caught her attention; she looked up and saw him moving towards her. Xander watched as a series of emotions flickered across her lovely features anger, pain, guilt; and one that sickened him, excitement. He stopped in front of her; the thousands of things that he wanted to say seemed to dam up his vocal chords because he suddenly found himself unable to speak. Buffy seemed to be suffering similarly and they just stood there awkwardly, looking at one another and desperately trying to say something.

"Who is this, my love?" The man behind her asked.

It took all of Xander's control not to burst out laughing right there. It wasn't just the cascade of emotions that he was feeling that seemed to have his psyche on a roller coaster, it was the fact that the guy's voice had sounded like a bad James Bond villain. As mentally torn and twisted as he was Xander could still hear the guy's voice in his head; _"Before I kill you in an overly complicated way, I will now tell you everything about my nefarious plot for world domination because there is nothing you can do to stop it. Mwahahahahaha."_ The question served to clear his mind instantly, like a slap to a hysteric and without real thought he glided forward and slammed his left heel into the man's right instep. He noted the sound of bones breaking but ignored it as the man pitched forward in agony; only to catch Xander's right fist with his nose. There was another crunch and a spray of blood across Xander, Buffy and the man's face. The force of the blow knocked him backwards and he hit the ground, hard. Still not really thinking about what he was doing, Xander dropped his right knee into the man's solar plexus and knocked every last particle of wind out of him. As the man lay there gasping, Xander knelt down and whispered in his ear, "I'm her husband, Asshole." Then he stood, straightened out his Tux and without a backward glance, walked from the room.

_End Flashback_

Yeah, he'd been her husband then; he glanced down at the ring on his finger, he supposed he still was. He didn't think either of them had ever bothered with a divorce. He looked up and she was standing below him, staring up at him, not saying anything, just looking. They stood there for over a minute, unmoving; as though they were a weird parody of Romeo and Juliet and neither speaking because neither really knew what to say.

"Hello Buffy," he said, finally breaking the silence.

"Hello Xander," she replied. "Can I come in?"

Involuntarily he glanced up, noting that the sun was out and she was standing in it, all the while pondering the question she'd asked. Did he want her to come in; did he want to invite the source of his greatest pain and greatest joy back into his life, even for a little bit? He'd made a life away from the Council, the supernatural, from her; did he want to throw all that away?

As he was arguing with himself he heard her whisper, "please."

It wasn't the word, which was surprising enough but the tone in which she'd said it. A tone he remembered from very long ago when Xander the Comfortador had roamed the streets of Sunnydale, doing whatever he could to help out his girls. Unwilling to speak, because he truly didn't know what would come out of his mouth, he just nodded.

A flash of a smile lit Buffy's face, and for a second she looked like the star-bright girl that he had fallen in love with all those years ago. But Xander didn't see it, he was already walking into the house to meet her; all the while wondering if he had just saved or damned his soul.


	2. Revelation

A/N See chapter 1 for the disclaimers.

REVELATION

Xander moved silently through the house, all the while wondering why she was visiting now, what had happened to force her to come to him. For a second he thought that it may be that she missed him, but he dismissed that almost as soon as it popped into his head. After all, she hadn't bothered in ten years, and he hadn't been keeping where he was living a secret, so it must be something else. His musings were cut off when he came to the front door. He paused for a second, and then reluctantly opened the door, turned and retreated back into the heart of his house. The sound of her soft footsteps on the carpet told him that she was following. They walked past the rather stuffy sitting room and past the formal dining room and into the house's great room. The sound of Buffy's gasp at the view briefly brought a smile to Xander's face, mostly because it was something he did himself most of the time; even after living here for nine years. One wall of the room was almost entirely glass, and it looked out over Hawk's Nest Bay; past the white sand beach, the Caribbean glittered like a multifaceted emerald with the breakers at Johnson's Reef giving off flashes of white, like pure light that was leaping from the ocean. Wordlessly he made his way over to his favorite chair, a great mass of overstuffed leather, wood, springs and padding; settled back into its comfortable bulk and finally raised his eyes to look at her. Up close he could see the little changes in her that he hadn't before. The subtle crow's feet at the eyes, a sliver thread here and there in her hair but these observations were secondary. What really struck him was how tired she looked and how thin. Xander had always thought that Buffy was a bit too thin and when they'd first gotten married he'd done what he could to get a little extra meat on her bones. But now Buffy looked even thinner than she had after her second resurrection, her hip bones standing out in sharp relief. Putting all of the clues together, it became clear that she was in trouble of some kind and was looking for a safe haven. Xander figured it must be pretty damn bad for Buffy to actually come to him for help. He honestly didn't know if he'd help her or not. His appraisal finished, his gaze moved back up to Buffy's face, which was still staring out at the Caribbean. She was still so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at her. Xander had always thought that she was beautiful, but now, with her face lit with joy and awe at the scene in front of her; she was almost transcendentally lovely, as beautiful as she had been on the day they married. This last thought returned his resolve and his face hardened. "Why are you here Buffy?"

She twitched her eyes from the beautiful bay to him and then back, a momentary expression of guilt on her face. "Dawn told me that it was a spectacular view, but I'd never imagined this," she replied; ignoring the question.

Normally Xander would have let the dodge go, but not in this case. "Come on Buff, why?"

Reluctantly she turned her head from the breathtaking view and really looked at Xander. The years sat easily on him, a little grey at the temples, the skin a deep brown from spending his days in the sun and of course, the eye patch but over all he didn't look very different from when she'd met him. "I don't suppose you'd believe that I've missed you?"

"No, I'd believe that, but I don't think it's why you're here. So what is it? Some big bad that only one eyed carpenters can fight, an emergency donut run, your latest 'companion of questionable morals' decide he didn't need you anymore? What," he asked, his bitterness overcoming his resolve to be pleasant.

Buffy flinched at both the words and the tone but didn't fire back, she deserved them and more. "I'm not really sure how to put this."

"Just say it straight out Buff, we always spent too much time trying to sugar coat the bad stuff."

"Fine then," she muttered. Then raised her gaze and looked him straight in the eye, "I'm dying."

The room was silent. Xander was having trouble processing what he'd just heard. At first he thought it was some ploy or bad joke, but when he put the tone together with her appearance it made sense. "When," he asked.

"A week, maybe two."

"How?"

"A tumor, brain tumor to be exact."

He thought for a moment, discarding all of the obvious questions and moving on to what was important. "Why are you here?"

"To say goodbye, and to see Joyce. There are some things I need to tell her."

"So after ten years of silence you just expect to pop into our lives, upset the balance we've managed to achieve, confuse and anger our daughter and then head out again?"

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere else."

"So you came here to die, is that it?"

Her face twisted with the misery she was feeling but Buffy kept her voice level and her eyes resolutely dry. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Where else would I go, who else should I be with, who would I want with me more at the end then my husband and my daughter."

"From the way you've behaved over the years, damn near anyone," Xander replied hotly.

Barely maintaining her poise, Buffy stood. "Fine," she said. "There's a hospice over on St. Thomas, I can stay there." She reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope. "Could you see that Joyce gets this," she asked, handing it to Xander. "My cell number is in there if she wants to talk." And then with a sob and a jerking stride she headed for the front door.

It was the way she moved that broke Xander's resolve. In that instant he could see both the pain she was in and the agony that the estrangement had caused her. In a flash of insight, Xander realized that there was no way he could punish her, no way he could hurt Buffy more than she'd hurt herself. Without hesitation he called out, "Buffy."

A pause, "yes Xander."

"You can stay here," he paused as well. "Please stay here."

Her head sagged, the powerful wash of emotions shaking her tiny frame. "Thank you Xander," she said.

As she stood in his entry hall, she could hear him moving towards her. Then she felt his strong arms encircling her shoulders and waist and she sagged slightly back into his embrace. For the first time in years she felt right, she felt at peace as she leaned into him, trusting in someone else for a change. "I can get the guest room ready easily enough," he told her. "Do you have anything to bring in?"

"There's a bag in the rental car, but that's it."

"Buffy Summers traveling with just one suitcase, isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse," he gently chided.

"Jerk," she replied, a small smile coming to her face.

"You know it, now have a seat and I'll get you squared away." And he led her back into the great room and eased her down on one of the chairs.

She turned from the view of the Caribbean and called out to his retreating back, "Xander."

"Yeah Buff?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know," he replied, then left her alone with the view.


	3. Reconstruction

A/N See chapter 1 for disclaimers

RECONSTRUCTION

Buffy looked up at the sun, it was almost noon and she probably should be heading back to the house. The last three days had been some of the most peaceful and pleasant of her life. She knew that it wouldn't last but that didn't mean that she couldn't enjoy the current situation. She stood and brushed the sand from her legs and headed back up the path from the beach to the house. One reason the last three days had been pleasant had been the fact that neither she nor Xander had raised any thorny issues; both indulging in the time honored Scooby tradition of avoiding painful but important subjects. Normally it would have bothered her, considering that she kind of had a time limit after all, but she knew that the hard stuff was coming. These three days had been the eye of the storm, her and Xander getting reacquainted; getting used to each other again. That way when the serious stuff started happening it wouldn't be as awkward as it would have been if they'd tried to tackle it from the word go. So they had talked about safe subjects like what Willow and Dawn were up to, how Giles was still handling the New Council, the weather, things they'd seen and reminiscing about events in Sunnydale before life got way too complicated.

As she made her way up to the house she passed Xander's "shed". Actually she would have called it a barn or a warehouse but apparently "shed" was the correct term. It was where Xander built boats. That was something Buffy had a hard time believing until she saw it. Xander had a rather lucrative business building sailboats by hand. He only used wood and it was just him and Joyce that worked on them. He said he only made two a year but it apparently paid the bills and then some. He was currently starting a new one as his previous creation was being delivered to Miami by Joyce and some friends. Buffy had been told that he'd be hard at work on the keel today so she just passed the shed by, remembering that he wouldn't want to be disturbed.

Her vision blurred for a moment but she just stood still and it passed. She still had a hard time believing that she was dying since she felt normal most of the time but then something would happen to remind her that she had a short expiration date; well shorter than before. Xander had asked her why she didn't have more symptoms and she told him what Giles had told her; her slayer essence would work to compensate for her growing weaknesses. So she would continue to be in decent health until her essence was worn out, then her body would just collapse.

Once the spell was past she started back to the house. Idly she wondered if this is what it would have been like had she stayed with Xander. The feelings of peace, contentment and . . . . . . rightness, if she had to put a word to it. Is this what she'd missed out on for over ten years? She cut this line of thinking off quickly; there was nothing good that would come out of playing 'what if' this late in the game. She had made her choices and lived her life. While she conceded that her decision making paradigm still needed work, she also had to concede that she had accomplished a lot with her life, more than she ever would have thought back when Merrick first found her and told her about what life as a Slayer meant. She wasn't in a position to rationally judge whether or not the good that she had done had been worth the cost, but she hoped that it was.

As walked into the house Buffy headed towards the kitchen to fix herself something to eat. The truth of the matter was that she was surprised and little upset that Xander would let their fifteen year old daughter handle delivering very expensive sailboats to whoever ordered them. After all, she had pointed out; criminals tended to have a lot of disposable income and wouldn't be averse to trying a bit of something to an attractive young woman. Xander had listened then just shook his head and made it very clear that he trusted both Joyce and the people he took orders from; and that was all there was to it. Buffy hadn't pushed the issue, her almost total absence from her daughter's life rendering her opinion on the matter moot.

The other thing that Buffy was still having trouble coming to grips with was the fact that she had a fifteen year old daughter. It just didn't seem possible. Sure, she had seen pictures from E-mails that Xander had sent Willow or Dawn and had heard the occasional story but it had always been second hand, so it had never really seemed real. Buffy had barely seen her daughter after she was three and not at all, at least not in person; since she was five. It was her greatest regret. Not that she didn't regret how things had worked out between her and Xander, but that pain was dwarfed by Buffy's regret that she had never really been a part of her daughter's life. That she hadn't been there to see her off to her first day of school, or to teach her about clothes and make up, or to threaten the boy that dared to take her on her first date. All of those things were lost to the past and she would never have them. That it was a situation of her own making just made the pain that much worse. Buffy breezed into the kitchen and froze, someone else was there. It was a girl; she was tall, taller than Dawn, with dark blond hair and warm brown eyes. As Buffy watched, the girl's eyes went wide, it was clear that she was wondering just who Buffy was and why she was there. But then the answer must have occurred to her because the eyes narrowed in anger and her formerly neutral posture became aggressive. The girl took a step forward, and she almost sneered out, "hello mother."

'This doesn't look promising,' Buffy thought.


	4. Reaquaintence

A/N See Chapter 1 for disclaimers

REACQUAINTENCE

Dinner had been a strained affair with a lot of tense silences and awkward pauses. After realizing who their guest was, Joyce had gone down to the Shed. Buffy could only guess at what was said, but she was pretty certain that she hadn't been painted in a flattering light. Buffy had pretty much laid low for the rest of the afternoon but had come down to dinner, regretfully.

Now she was sitting in bed, reading a mildly trashy romance novel that she had lifted from Dawn's collection and wondering if coming here had been the best course of action. Reluctantly she remembered how Joyce could not even seem to look at her and barely look at her father. Xander had looked apologetic, Buffy could imagine the grief he had taken from the girl because of her presence; but hadn't said anything to Joyce about her behavior and had quickly retreated to his shed after the meal. Joyce had muttered something about the beach and left the house without a backward glance. That had left Buffy alone with her thoughts for the whole evening; it had been a less than pleasant time. She was thinking about putting the book down for the night when she heard the door to her room ease open. She looked up with a bit of anticipation; Xander had made a habit of dropping in on her before he went to bed. Actually it was one of the best times of the day for her, a time when she could pretend that the two of them had never been apart and were just catching up on each others day. But it was not Xander that stepped through the door.

"I only have one question for you."

"OK"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Don't play stupid," Joyce snarled out. "Why did you abandon us? What made you leave us and never look back?"

Buffy thought for a moment or two, wondering just how to answer her daughter's question; finally she looked the girl in the eyes. "If you're hoping for a ten word or less answer that's made up of one syllable words, then you're gonna be disappointed. I've had people asking me that for over ten years. Hell, I've been asking myself that for over ten years. And as much as I'd love to have an answer, I just don't."

"So that's it, just an elaborate version of 'I don't know'".

"No, what I meant was that I don't have a concrete answer; I do however have a lot of speculation and some guesses. Honestly I wish I did have an answer for you, it would make what's gonna happen a lot easier to deal with."

Ignoring her mother's rather blatant appeal for sympathy, Joyce sat at the end of the bed; her brown eyes never leaving Buffy's sea green eyes. "Well then mom, why don't you lay out what you've got?"

"That would take hours."

"So, from where I'm sitting all you've got left is time, and not much of that."

Her daughter's simple comment rocked Buffy to her core. She had saved the world multiple times but what did she really have to show for her life. Her family were practically strangers to her, her friends barely tolerated her any more; certainly none of the "companions" she'd been with over the last few years were close any more. The only real legacy she had was a daughter that didn't want to even be in the same room with her. That and the new Council. But even that was much more Giles' legacy than her own. Certainly she had contributed to what the Council had become but she had been away from day to day operations for years; and training even longer. So it could be truly said that indeed all that Buffy had left in this life was time. A companion to this thought was that what Joyce had said proved conclusively that she was Xander's child. Buffy knew of no one that could verbally dissect you the way that the founding Scooby could. She remembered many times that she'd just dismissed what Xander had said simply because she couldn't deal with all the truth he'd laid out in front of her. "You're right," Buffy said finally. "But before we talk about me, could you tell me about yourself. I've heard things from a lot of people, but that's not the same thing as knowing. I realize that you don't owe me anything, but I'm asking for this one thing; please." Buffy could see her daughter mentally shift gears.

"OK, but I'm gonna expect one heck of an answer."

"Deal," Buffy said, as small smile coming to her face.

"Well, let's start with what you know; I'm fifteen, in tenth grade and I seem to be better than either you or dad were in school. We lived in England til I was five, then lived one year in Cleveland; then dad hung up his spurs and we moved here. I help him with the boats, mostly the delivery side because he can build em but he can't sail em."

"You mean Xander builds boats but he can't sail?"

"Nope, he's lost if it doesn't have a motor."

"So you test out the boats and then deliver em?"

"Pretty much."

"Why you? I mean, no offense but you're just fifteen now."

"I think because I'm the only one here that he really trusts. That and he wants me to be independent."

"He told you that?"

"Not in so many words, but yeah."

"I see," Buffy said; using a tone that made it clear that she would be having more words with Xander. "So what else?"

"Let's see; well I've kissed a few boys but nothing beyond that. I had one guy I might have been serious about but dad scared him away."

"Shovel speech?"

"Yeah," Joyce's voice trailed off as her thoughts drifted. That's what made what came next right out of left field. "You know that there's been no one since you and him . . . .. . . . . ."

"Really," Buffy responded. She was honestly floored at this; she certainly couldn't make the same claim.

"Yeah, I think he came close a couple of times, especially with Willow, but he always backed off."

"Willow, when did that happen?"

"It's been a few years. She stayed here for almost two years after Kennedy was killed. At first they were just becoming friends again but after a while there seemed to be something in the air between em. I did catch them kissing once but that was it. Then they seemed to back away from each other a bit and finally she left."

Buffy remembered when Kennedy had been killed; she'd gone to the funeral. She even remembered asking Willow how she was dealing but remembered nothing after that. She hadn't realized that Willow had essentially been out of her life for two years. It just reminded Buffy of just how out of touch she had been. "Did your dad tell you about what happened with them their senior year of High School?"

"Yeah, they both did. Then Willow surprised us both by telling us that they'd been hit with a lust spell."

"Huh," Buffy blurted out. "I've never heard that part."

"Yeah, apparently some demon hit Dad and Willow with a lust spell cause the demon, I think they said his name was Skip, needed Cordelia in Los Angeles for some reason and he knew she wouldn't leave if she was still with Dad so he had to break em up."

Having gotten the full story on what had happened to Cordelia from Angel, while she was in LA; this made a lot of sense. "Actually that answers a lot of questions I've always had," Buffy said.

"So that's pretty much me," Joyce said. "I'm a young, active, not yet trained slayer."

"WHAT?!?!?!?"

"Oh crap," Joyce said, with an embarrassed look. "No one told you that I was a slayer?"


	5. Reasons

A/N See Chapter 1 for disclaimers.

REASONS

"So who knows you're a slayer?"

"Let's see, Dad, Faith, Robin, Giles and Willow are the only ones. Oh, and now you."

"When did this happen?"

"When I was six, Giles was a little bit freaked that I activated at so young an age but we figured that between being your daughter and Dad being the way he is, it kind of made sense."

"That's why you left Cleveland, isn't it?"

"Yeah, once we figured out what was going on with me, Dad had Willow determine where the absolute least mystical activity occurred. She came up with St. Johns and so we found a place and moved here. Dad trains me and every now and then Faith and Robin will come down with their kids and she'll evaluate my progress."

"It sounds like you've got it covered."

"Yeah, but it's still hard at times. Like there's some guy being an asshole and you just want to knock him through the nearest wall but you can't."

"I know the feeling."

"I've heard stories."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Dad and Willow would sit around and play remember when a lot when she was here. I especially remember a story about a certain Halloween night and a 'demon car' and a brave slayer who passed out all night."

Buffy blushed to the roots of her hair, "in all fairness, I wasn't actually a slayer for most of that night."

"I know, but it's still funny; then there's the one about a black raincoat and another about the roommate from hell."

"I'm so gonna kill them," Buffy muttered. "So you and your dad get along OK?"

"Yeah," Joyce said after a pause. "He's a little over protective but he's great."

"He is that."

"So what happened between you two then?"

"Huh?"

"Well come on Mom, you were the woman of his dreams, and after he finally gets you to run off and leave him and me. I know you're familiar with how that feels, after what Grandpa Hank did to you and Dawn and Grandma. So, knowing first hand how devastating that was, how could you do that to someone else?"

"I'm honestly not sure Joy; the best I've been able to come up with is that I just don't know how to be content."

"That sounds like a crock."

"Yeah it does, but think about it for a second, the only role models I had growing up were my mom and dad; and from what I saw from them there was always a lot of emotional pain involved. I would ask your grandmother if everything was OK and she'd always tell me that it was. I would ask why she was with dad and she'd always say that she was in love with him. Now I don't know a darn thing about psychology, but seeing your dad constantly emotionally hurt your mom and then to hear your mom call it love, well that's got to color the way you look at things. Then the first guy I really fall for turns out to be a vampire, the thing I'm supposed to hunt; not to mention the whole emotional torture thing he did while he was Angelus and I suppose the pattern was set for me; love equals hurting. So when Riley and your Dad came along, I didn't know how to deal with guys who weren't hurting me. I figured it couldn't be love without the emotional demolition derby. So in both cases I went looking for what defined love for me and in the process I hurt two guys who really didn't deserve it. I mean yeah, Riley decided to try the dark side, but the truth is that I pushed him there long before he fell. And as for Xander, well nothing can excuse what I put him through. Honestly, I think that in some perverse way I did what I did in hopes that he'd hurt me back, but he never did. He didn't have to; I was doing a great job of hurting me on my own."

"So if you equated love with hurting, why'd you ever marry Dad?"

"Your father is the best guy I've ever known; it doesn't get much simpler than that. For a while we were the ideal couple and when you came along it just seemed that much more perfect. Then I felt myself get restless, like there was more that I should be doing. I heard about this grey hat that the Council was trying to recruit, I talked to Xander and Giles and well all decided that I should give a try at bringing him in to work for us. Needless to say, he was not the nicest person in the world and he liked to play head games. Long story short, I got him to work for the Council without violating my wedding vows but something had happened. I'd found myself fantasizing about him, I knew that he would have been abusive and controlling but that seemed to add spice to the mix as far as I was concerned. When I got back home I found myself being a bit kinkier with your Dad, wanting to try things that we hadn't before. And for a while everything was great, but then I started feeling like I needed to get away again, so I volunteered for another 'recruitment' mission. That time I fell off the fidelity wagon. It excited me, not the sex so much as the feelings of guilt and the whole illicit nature of the thing. I know how that sounds but after that trip I was like a junkie needing a fix. Every few months I'd go find some guy that would try to dominate me and control me and make me do things that I'd never thought I'd do. After a while your father wouldn't put up with it anymore and he left. I didn't fight it at all; it was the right thing for him to do."

"And you?"

"I stayed with the Council; I mean what other options did I have?"

"Well you could have explained to Dad that you wanted to play a little 'Tie me up, tie me down', from the stories I've heard about Anya, that wouldn't have been that far a stretch for him."

"I know but underneath it all I would have known that he still loved me, still treasured me, that he would stop if I told him to; the men I was with after your dad just wanted to use me, and that was all; and for some reason I sought that out. So ultimately it wouldn't have been the same."

"Was it worth it?"

Buffy thought for a moment, that really was the question wasn't it, had all the positives in her life been worth the cost to her husband, her daughter and to herself. Finally she answered honestly. "No, I've done some great things in my life but what I've accomplished hasn't come close to the price of having your father and you out of my life, let alone the pain that I've caused both of you."

"When you figured this out, why didn't you come find us, apologize, grovel whatever?"

"Because by the time I figure out what was really going on in my head, well you two were happy and stable. The last thing you needed was psycho-mom showing up and wrecking your lives again; so I stayed away."

"Was that all?"

"No, I was so ashamed of my weakness, so ashamed of what I had done that I didn't know how to approach either of you. I was trying to figure out how when this happened," Buffy waved at her head, "and kind of forced the issue."

Joyce looked at her mother for a minute or two, really looked at her. All of her life she'd had these ideas about what her mother was like; impressions taken from everyone who had known her, and now she was seeing the woman for herself. The harder she looked, the clearer one realization became. Finally Joyce could hold it in no longer. "How lonely are you?"

Buffy's eyes grew wide at the question and she started to deny the implications of that question; but then she remembered who she was talking to and her circumstances. There was no time for anything but the truth now. "Very," she finally muttered. "Dawn still talks to me, as does Giles; but Faith and Willow and any of the others don't have anything to do with me unless they have to. Even then it's tough for them to be polite." Buffy looked at her daughter, "how did you know?"

"It just showed, maybe it's something I get from Dad."

"Xander always did see what everyone else missed."

"So you found out about the tumor and started making your farewell tour?"

"Yeah."

"So how's that going for you?"

"Well, most everyone told me what I suspect you will."

"Make it OK with Dad and they'll forgive you?"

"Yeah, there might have been some colorful metaphors thrown in there for good measure from time to time but that was the gist of it."

"Good," Joyce said as she got up, "then I won't add to it."

As Joyce approached the door, Buffy spoke again, "for what little its worth, I'm sorry."

Joyce turned to face her mother, the indomitable warrior was gone and she was just a small, frail woman facing her own mortality. "I understand," she replied, "I can see what its cost you." And with that she left Buffy alone with her thoughts. Sleep didn't come easily that night, but when it did Buffy dreamt of Joyce's third birthday party. It was the last time she could remember being truly happy.


	6. Resolution

A/N See chapter 1 for disclaimers.

POE1911

RESOLUTION

The next two days were great for Buffy. She and Joyce spent nearly all their time together getting to know one another. They had gone to the beach, seen the sights on the island, gone shopping of course and Joyce had even taken her mother sailing. The only cloud that hung over the festivities was Xander's near total absence. Joyce had suggested that he was backing off so they could have some 'girl only' time but Buffy could see that their daughter was a little surprised. Finally she could put it off no longer and went to confront the beast in his lair. Buffy had faced all sorts of monsters in her life, she had even knowingly gone to her death in the Master's cave but none of those encounters filled her with dread the way that facing Xander did. She stood in front of the shed door for a minute or two, gathering her courage then slipped in quietly.

'OK, this is just not fair,' Buffy thought as she walked in; because the first thing she saw was Xander, his back to her and shirtless; planing a piece of wood. The play of his muscles completely distracted her; it took the sound of someone clearing his throat to bring her back to the here and now. "Huh?"

"I asked you what you wanted."

"Sorry, I was just distracted there for a moment." Buffy had played this conversation out in her head a few thousand times but now that she was actually faced with it, not a single word was popping into her head. The result was that she just stood there looking frustrated.

"I tell you what Buff," Xander said, getting down from where he was working. "How about I talk first, is that OK?"

"Sure," Buffy replied, still trying to remember all the things she wanted to say.

"You showing up has forced me to think about what happened between us, rather than just wallow in my spectacularly huge pool of self pity. And doing that, I realized that I needed to say something to you."

"What's that?"

"I'm sorry."

"WHAT?!?!?"

"I said I was sorry."

"I heard what you said, but what have you got to be sorry over?"

"When we got married, I had just retired from the field. I was happy being stationed at HQ, out of the pressure of the front line stuff. I could see us in a quiet suburb with a house and a picket fence and a mini-van just reveling in the quiet. But that was my vision, and I realized that I had never asked you what you wanted to do; I just assumed you'd want the same things that I did. You seemed to be fine with it at first, but you're a slayer, being on the front line is what you do and I made it so that you felt guilty for wanting that. I never asked you what you wanted the rest of your life to be like, and when you went back into the field, I didn't ask why, I just gave Deadboy a run for his money in the 'Broodsalot Awards'. After that night at the Council Gala, well I never talked to you, never asked why what had happened had happened, I just assumed and ran away to Cleveland. Then when it was clear that Joyce had been activated, I ran away here. I never fought, I never confronted and most of all, I never asked you what you wanted. I'm sorry Buffy, can you forgive me?"

Buffy just stared at the man next to her, utterly dumbstruck at what he had said. She could see the tears in his eye and knew that he was being completely sincere; and it moved her more than she could say. She opened her mouth to tell him that 'of course she forgave him because he had done nothing wrong', but that isn't what came out. "Xander, did you eat crazy flakes for breakfast?"

"What?"

"I've heard a lot of weird stuff in my life, but that little psycho rant that you just went off on takes the cake. None of what happened is your fault, not even a bit. What happened was because I had no idea of what Love really meant or what it felt like. So when I had it, I didn't know it. Which of course resulted in me looking for it elsewhere and you leaving; which was the right thing to do, by the way. So don't give me any of this 'it's my fault' crap because that's what it is; crap. What happened to us is my fault and mine alone so get off your high horse and forgive me for it." This last was said at nearly a shout and as silence once again descended on the boat shed; Buffy wore an expression of utter mortification that she had demanded forgiveness while Xander just looked like a stunned guppy.

The silence stretched out for nearly a minute until it was shattered by laughter. Xander started laughing so hard that tears were squirting out his eye and his face was turning red. Buffy just looked at her husband as he laughed like a loon and then joined him as the absurdity of the situation struck her. They sat together in the shed and held one another and laughed and cried together until calm once again reigned.

"So, do you forgive me Buffy?"

"Of course Xander, do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I do. Now about whose fault everything was . . . ."

Buffy stopped Xander speaking by putting a hand over his mouth, gently. "How about we agree to disagree; because you will never convince me that it was anything but my fault."

"Sure Buff," he replied. They sat there in silence just staring at each other, until Buffy darted forward and captured Xander in a kiss. They held it for one golden moment, then Xander backed away. He could see the hurt in Buffy's eyes but this was something that was non-negotiable, "we can't Buffy."

"Why not?"

"Because while I forgive you, the last ten years and what led to them is not something I can just put behind me."

Buffy was hurt, but she understood his point, in a moment of honesty she'd even agree with it. "OK then, the make up sex is off the agenda, so how about telling me about the last ten years." She leaned forward, "please, I want to hear about your life, and Joy's life as well."

"Sure Buff," Xander replied. Then he launched into the story of the last ten years of his life as well as the triumphs and tragedies of being a single parent. It was a long story. At times Xander would slow down, his throat dry from talking and then Buffy would talk about the last ten years of the Council, the things they'd done right and wrong and how everyone was doing from her perspective. They talked the afternoon away.

They did manage to come up for air in time for dinner, both of them making their way rather gingerly up to the house. Joyce had been fixing dinner when her parents walked in. She saw the almost sappy looks on their faces and becoming suspicious, tested the air. Buffy saw this and chimed in, "no, there was no sex, get your mind out of the gutter young lady."

"Yeah," Xander added; "if there was make up sex we'd still be at it." He turned to his wife, "like that time in . . . . ." But he was cut off by the sound of Joyce bolting from the room

"Darn," Buffy finally spoke, "I was hoping she would hang around so we could gross her out properly with the details of our early years."

"I dunno Buff, something like that could make a girl swear off sex for years." He paused, "and now that I think about it, that's a really good thing."

"Well just promise that you'll give her the graphic details after . . . . ."

Xander pulled her close, "I will Buff, I promise."

Buffy broke the hug, "OK, enough with the touchy feely stuff, I'm starved." And the two of them finished the meal that their daughter had started.

Later that evening, after Joyce had come back; the three of them had an old fashioned movie fest. They had picked horror movies for the occasion and all three had a lot of fun criticizing the victims for being stupid and the bad guys for being way to cliché. Both Xander and Buffy had also livened up the duller parts with tales from their sexual past which served to make Joyce supremely uncomfortable. Finally the movies were over and everyone was turning in. Xander was just pulling the covers back when he heard a quiet knock on his bedroom door. He turned and there was Buffy in an old T-shirt and boxers, "you mind if I sleep here tonight?"

Xander didn't even hesitate, "sure Buff, but I'll warn you now that I'm a huge cover hog."

"We'll see about that," Buffy said with a smirk as she sauntered over to the bed.

Later, Buffy was snuggled under Xander's right arm with her head pillowed on his chest; "Xander."

"Yeah Buff."

"There's something I want to tell you, but please don't interrupt; OK?"

"Sure"

"I've been through a lot in my life, some good, some bad; some of it was really bad. And along the way I've met a lot of guys, again some good, some bad and a few were really bad. But through all that and all the things that have happened to me, I've never been happier than when we were together. You and Joyce are the greatest things that ever happened to me."

Xander just looked at the petite woman in his arms, "thank you Buffy," was all he said; but to her those simple words spoke volumes.

She got up the next morning to find a note on the bedside table telling her that Xander was in the shed and trying to make up for the time he had missed yesterday and that he'd see her at lunch. Buffy got up, wincing a bit at her sore muscles. She showered and picked at her breakfast, but really didn't have much of an appetite. She didn't feel like going down to the beach and Joyce wasn't around so she picked up a novel that had an interesting cover and went sat out in a chair on the verandah to read. Soon, however; the sun and the gentle sound of the surf lulled her to sleep.

Xander knocked off at about a quarter to twelve. He'd made pretty good progress so far but he'd promised Buffy that he'd meet her for lunch, and he didn't want to disappoint. He saw her sitting in one of the deck chairs as he headed up to the house; it didn't take him long to realize that she was no longer breathing.


	7. Requiem

A/N See chapter 1 for disclaimers.

REQUIEM

The scene had been repeated often over the years. Ever since the collapse of Sunnydale, people who had survived the collapse had opted to have their remains returned to where their families and loved ones were. Because no one was allowed into the crater, this meant that ashes were scattered, dropped or thrown into what remained of the town. The current group was not that remarkable, at least to the casual observer. There was an older man; obviously the patriarch, a middle aged man in a suit holding a teenage girl close; the widower and child, as well as family and friends of the decedent. Things didn't get unusual until the widower turned to a friend and said, "Can you locate Joyce's grave Willow?"

"Sure Xander," the red headed woman replied. Her eyes closed briefly in concentration and in the distance a golden glow could be seen.

The man handed a sealed cylinder to the teenager next to him, "you think you can get your mom close to your grandmother kiddo?"

For an answer the girl just hefted the cylinder in her hand, reared back and hurled it into the crater. Everyone tracked the cylinder, until it could no longer be seen. They stood in silence for a minute or two, each of them alone with their thoughts, everything that there was to say had already been said. They had each made their peace with Buffy Anne Summers and no other words were necessary. Finally as one, they turned away and headed back for the cars that had brought them there; well most of them did, the two men lingered at the edge of the crater.

"The last few days couldn't have been easy for you Xander."

"No they weren't Giles, I was so furious when she just showed up without warning. And then when she told me about her condition, I was ready to just let her leave."

"Then why didn't you, I must confess that as much as I cared for Buffy I would not have been nearly so forgiving as yourself."

"I doubt that Giles," Xander replied, then he got a serious look on his face. "When she showed up I could see that she was hurting and two things occurred to me; one was that she really was hurting herself over the whole situation much more effectively than I could; the second was that if anyone deserved a bit of peace and tranquility at the end, it was Buffy. So I gave her what she needed. That and I wanted Joy to have the chance to get to know her mother, its something she's needed to do."

Giles looked ahead at what was effectively his granddaughter; "now that this chapter of your lives is closed, what will you both do now Xander," the man asked his younger companion.

"Well, we talked and decided that Joyce will head to Cleveland with Robin and Faith. It's time she finished her training. After that it's up to her."

"And yourself?"

"Well, my life has kinda been on hold for ten years, I figured it was time to start living again. Any suggestions about that?"

"Well, you could come back to England with us."

"Really, you have an opening?"

"Yes actually, we're in dire need of a good Director of Operations."

"I don't know Giles, I've been out of the game for a while, I wouldn't want to take on anything I'm not ready for. That's a good way to get people killed."

"Xander, I would be very surprised if you haven't been keeping up with either your personal combat skills or your strategic abilities."

The younger man blushed, "I've tried, but how about we give me a bit of a trial period, just to make sure."

"As you wish, that will give you time to learn the strength and weaknesses of the other areas."

"Why would I need that?"

"So that I will have someone to replace me in the coming years."

Xander looked at the man, his expression incredulous, "but Robin . . . . ."

"Has decided to stay in Cleveland, I need someone to take my place. Not immediately but I can feel it coming."

"If you're sure."

"My boy, I've rarely been more certain about anything."

Xander walked along in silence, he finally muttered, "thanks Giles."

The older man just put his arm around the younger and together they made their way home.

THE END

A/N II I was in semi-depressed mood when I watched the first episode of season 7 on DVD. There was just Xander, Buffy and Dawn and it got me thinking about the B/X relationship. Now I will admit to being much more in favor of Xander getting some slayer lovin' then Angel and the less said about Spike the better, but I had never really considered the thing seriously. It had always been the 'Buffy finally notices Xander and they live happily ever after' thing and I'd procede from there. But as I said, my mood wasn't the best and as I sat there recalling how Buffy had imploded the whole Riley relationship and banged slick talking Parker right out of the gate; I wondered just how a Buffy/Xander relationship would truly be. Obviously this is my interpretation of what would happen, but I think that the evidence is there for the scenario I've written about to be not only plausible, but likely. I am sure that some of you reading this think I'm so wrong that it's not even funny, but then you are free to write your own version of Buffy/Xander. As always, I'd like to thank all of you that have read and reviewed my story, your coments mean a lot to me, even if they are negative at times. I think for my next story, I'll jump into the F/X pool again, my muse is whispering in my ear even as I'm writing this; so be seing ya.

POE1911


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